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1x01
Pilot Danielle: Why can't we ever have normal soup?
Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.
Danielle: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of. Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
Bree: First of all, your Father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion.
Bree: (turns to Andrew) So, how's the osso buco?
Andrew: It's okay.
Bree: It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?
Andrew: Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?
Bree: (shocked) Excuse me?
Andrew: Tim Harper's Mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy.
Bree: You'd rather I serve pork and beans?
Danielle: (turns to Andrew) Apologize now, I am begging.
Andrew: I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?
Bree: Are you doing drugs?
Andrew: What?
Bree: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the
bathroom.
Danielle: Trust me, that is not what he is doing.
Andrew: Shut up.
Andrew: (turns to Bree) Mom, I'm not the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting like she's running for Mayor of Stepford.
Bree: (at the dinner table) Rex, seeing that you're the head of this household I would really appreciate it if you said something.
Rex: Pass the salt?
1x07
Anything You Can Do Andrew: What's this about?
Rex: You both know that your mother and I have been unhappy for quite a while. And after a lot of soul searching, we've decided it would be better if we got divorced.
Bree: But whatever problems your father and I have, it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much.
Andrew: I've got a question.
Bree: Go ahead sweetheart. Ask whatever you want.
Andrew: Can I live with dad? I mean, c'mon, mom, let's face it. We drive each other crazy.
1x15
Impossible (Susan finds Andrew and Justin naked in a
pool)
Andrew: I'm not... I'm not gay.
1x19
Live Alone and Like It
Bree: Andrew, you remember Reverend Sikes, don't you?
Andrew: Oh, come on.
Bree: Um, Reverend, why don't you, um, have seat, and I will get some refreshments?
(the reverend sits down at the dining room table where Andrew is sitting and Rex is pouring
wine)
Reverend Sikes: Ah. So, Andrew, it's been a long time.
Andrew: Yes. Yes, it has.
Bree: Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly.
Reverend Sikes: Oh, bubbly, please. So, your mother tells me you've started having some sexual desires for other boys.
(Andrew stares at his mother who smiles back lovingly. Andrew looks at the
wine)
Andrew: I don't suppose I could get some of that.
Rex: I'm gonna need every drop.
-------
Reverend Sikes: And over the years, we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires, and within a few months, they've found an inner peace and a tranquility that is nothing short of miraculous.
Bree: Oh.
(Bree reaches over and touches Andrew's arm. Andrew smiles back at his
mother)
Reverend Sikes: And all it takes is a little faith and a desire to change.
Andrew: I'm sorry, but I, I really don't want to talk about my sex life.
Bree: Well, that's just too bad, because this needs to be discussed.
Reverend Sikes: Bree, please, let the boy speak. Go on.
Andrew: Well, I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don't hate myself. So, I'm good.
Reverend Sikes: Son, I know what it's like to be a teenager. It's a very confusing time.
Andrew: I'm not confused. I know exactly who I am.
-------
Bree: Reverend, I don't mean to criticize, but it sounds like you're giving up.
Reverend Sikes: Well, we can't force him on the path of righteousness. He himself has got to want to make the journey.
Bree: Well, then, what do we do, just stand by while he starts dating boys?
Bree: (turns to Andrew) And by the way, the correct word is not "gay." It's "sodomy."
Rex: We're in the middle of dinner.
Bree: So?
Rex: So, can you at least wait until desert before calling our son a sodomite?
Bree: How you can sit there and be so casual is beyond me.
Rex: For starters, I knew this dinner was a bad idea the moment you suggested it.
Bree: Well, at least I'm trying to be pro-active!
Reverend Sikes: Please, there's no need to get upset.
Bree: I am upset because there is a problem here and no-one seems to notice it but me.
Rex: As far as I'm concerned, if Andrew is happy with who he is, then it is our job to support him!
(brief silence)
Bree: (turns to Andrew) Your father is into S&M.
Rex: Bree!
Bree: He makes me beat him with a riding crop and I let him. It's no wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are.
(Bree gets up and leaves)
Rex: Excuse me.
(Rex leaves too)
Andrew: (turns to Reverend Sikes) What a fun night. You know, we should really do this again sometime.
2x01
Next Andrew: Mom, Grandma's leaving. All right, you have to talk to her.
Bree: No, I don't. If you heard the things that she said to me...
Andrew: Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, OK, but she's family, so that makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad.
Bree: She went out of her way to be cruel to me. I don't want her at the funeral.
Danielle: (crying) Mom, if you don't let Grandma come, I will never forgive you!
Andrew: (turns to Danielle) Did I ask for your help?
Andrew: (turns to Bree) You know Dad would want her there.
2x04 My Heart Belongs To
Daddy
(George has dinner with the
Van De
Kamps)
Andrew: So, George, can I ask you a question? And it's kind of personal.
George: Sure.
Andrew: Have you ever actually been with a woman?
George: (chuckling) Excuse me?
Andrew: Well, let's be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player, so I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game.
George: My experience with women is none of your business.
Andrew: Oh, I think it is. I mean, you're dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating's a little more than just holding hands.
George: We're not dating exactly.
Andrew: Oh, sure you are. And you know what? I think it's great. But I wanna make sure my mom's happy, you know, and it would really set my mind at ease to know that she's with a guy that knows how to please a lady.
George: This is inappropriate.
Andrew: You know, my parents had a great sex life. Man, I heard 'em through the wall of my bedroom once.
George: Please shut up.
Andrew: You should've heard my mom, too. She had this... this weird moan. It was kind of like, um...
(Andrew makes a moan that's followed by an unh!)
Andrew: Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes.
(a dumbfounded George looks at Andrew while Bree and Danielle enter with
cobblers)
Bree: Okay, time for cobbler. Sorry, one of the dessert plates doesn't match. I tried to replace it, but it's Spode Florence. It's a rare pattern. It belonged to my grandmother. But hopefully once you taste the dessert, you'll forget all about it.
George: I'm not hungry.
Bree: George, you have to have this. It's absolutely scrumptious.
(Bree takes a bite)
Bree: Mmm. Mmm!
(George looks from Bree to Andrew, who points to Bree and mouths "That's it." George slams his fist and stands
up)
George: Go to your room!
2x16 There Is No Other Way
Bree: Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.
Andrew: Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.
Bree: Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?
Andrew: Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?
Bree: Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.
Andrew: Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.
Bree: If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.
2x17
Can I Leave You? Bree: Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.
Andrew: You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.
Bree: Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.
2x19
Don't Look At Me Andrew: Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?
Eleanor Mason: Bree!
Bree: Oh, I slapped him once and he deserved it!
Andrew: I just asked her to stop drinking.
Henry Mason: You were drinking?
Eleanor Mason: She's in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair.
Bree: Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car!
Eleanor Mason: Is she okay?
Bree: She's dead!
Andrew: Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!
Bree: Andrew falsely accused me of molestation... in a mall!
2x21
I Know Things Now (Andrew
on Danielle's boyfriend Matthew)
Andrew:
His brother tried to rape you, and his mother keeps
the guy locked up in a basement. I mean, let's face it,
Danielle: Even you can do better.
3x05
Nice She Ain't (Andrew
after Danielle tried to commit suicide)
Andrew: She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. Next time she might jump off the porch.
4x10
Welcome To Kanagawa Andrew: Mom, I'm gonna take these bowls to the kitchen...
Bree: Oh! Thanks, dear.
Andrew: With you... What are you doing?
Bree: Oh, I'm trying to stay out of the way of all the sparks that are flying...
Andrew: Sparks? The man is twice my age.
Bree: Yes, but he's also... he's got a great sense of... OK, do you know how hard it is to get a good contractor?
Andrew: Oh my God.
Bree: And poor Walter just had his heart broken, so if it takes you being nice to hime to have our house fixed...
Andrew: You're pimping me out for a new roof?
Bree: And windows... and I'm not pimping you out, I'm simply asking you to show some kindness to a lonely man who happens to be an excellent roofer.
Andrew: Look, if by kindness you mean sex...
Bree: Watch your mouth, I would never suggest that. You can raise a man's hopes without satisfying them, I've done it all my life. Andrew, I have got to get back into my house, and you're my only hope.
Andrew: Fine, for you I'll flirt, I'll flatter and I'll charm.
Bree: Bless you...
Andrew: And in exchange... I expect a 60-inch flat-screen TV.
Bree: Fine. And if you can get him to come on time and under budget, I'll throw in surround sound.
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